overly analytical
02.01.2005 // 1:49 p.m.i've been trying to get through the keats paraphrases for my brit lit ii class, which are not going well... i have started and then re-started three or four times and each time, i have ended up tossing out my thoughts... nothing i come up with seems "right"... i just feel overwhelmed & distraught at the intensity of keats... how to interpret his poems?! if only it were the work as a whole.. it would be so much easier... but we are paraphrasing... stanza by stanza... it is... beyond tedious
the irony is that in RL (real life), i have a tendency to be overly analytical... i'm all about interpreting the hidden meanings behind what someone says & what they mean... which could quite easily be viewed as an enormous character deficit on my part... the inability to take someone's words at face value... the inability to recognize that not everyone has hidden motives... a hidden "agenda"...
because of my overly analytical nature, i struggle to maintain friendships... and i struggle even more so with romantic relationships... which are notoriously more complicated to begin with... because while a friend may on occasion let you down, it is never in my experience to the extent that the relationship cannot be repaired... although this is seldom the case in romantic relationships... in which the damage, once done, can never be undone... the damage is... permanent.
scarier still is that fact that far too often, i have been right in my interpretation... i am the sort of girl who is described by her loves as the "perfect girlfriend" or a "soulmate" or even at times "a muse"... yet... i am always rejected in time for my intensity... for my
inability to hide my feelings... and my unwillingness to do so... i am TOO honest about my feelings... and what i want in a relationship... and i think that this drives people away... yet i wouldnt have it any other way...
what is the point of loving if one i not to be loved in return? what is the point of pretending to be in love? why settle for something less than everything you are worthy of? it seems pointless. i would rather be alone than FEEL alone in a relationship... i want reciprocal romance or nothing at all. and... i deserve nothing less.
i wish that there were some magical fast forward button i could use... to see where my life is going... three months from now... a year from now... everything feels so up in the air at the moment... home... school... the potential relationship... i am terrified by the prospect of moving again... will i *ever* feel settled?! i am terrified by the prospect of graduating... yet wonder if i will ever graduate?! if i will ever finish?! this has been such a long journey... and what if, at the end of the journey, i hate the destination that i have chosen?! and i wonder if there is any point in me ever pursuing any sort of long term relationship... ?! what's the point?!
forget the fast forward button... i just wish that there was some magical switch... where i could turn all of these questions off and just exist... just be here... in the moment... and accept the moment for what it is... a flash in time... part of a larger journey of self discovery... i wish that i could just accept that pain & loss are part of life... or that i could banish these things completely from my mind long enough to not expect pain and loss and disappointment and betrayal... i wish that i could just simply be... me w/o thoughts... w/o questions... just be.
